r/AskReddit Oct 16 '21 Silver 14 Helpful 7 Wholesome 7 Hugz 16 Take My Energy 1

Your username is the reason your single. what’s the reason?

12.2k Upvotes

1.5k

u/1kreasons2leave Oct 16 '21 Silver Helpful

Do I have to name them all?

176

u/MoltenCandleCrab Oct 16 '21

This deserves more upvotes

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915

u/Hititwitharock Oct 16 '21

Well, I WASN'T, until...

313

u/SilentJoe1986 Oct 16 '21

You greet tits with rocks?

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8.7k

u/theedgeofoblivious Oct 16 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome Hugz All-Seeing Upvote Narwhal Salute Wink Wink

I honestly don't know.

1.3k

u/SonicXander05 Oct 16 '21

this is a good one

382

u/Gavinhavin Oct 16 '21

Why? I don’t get it.

505

u/snoosingchemist Oct 16 '21

If you are oblivious, you don't know.

277

u/primalphoenix Oct 16 '21

On the fence as to whether i am supposed to woooosh this or not

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632

u/HugelyConfused Oct 16 '21

Me neither, I don’t understand it.

116

u/imnotsupersure Oct 16 '21

same, i'm just not sure

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2.0k

u/Thin-Sympathy2584 Oct 16 '21 Helpful

Lack of sympathy apparently

586

u/MENDACIOUS_RACIST Oct 16 '21

People aren’t impressed with my empathy, either.

185

u/CopainChevalier Oct 16 '21

I wasn’t prepared for this

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6.6k

u/1InchPunisherr Oct 16 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome Hugz Bravo!

Self explanatory

1.5k

u/SilentJoe1986 Oct 16 '21

That's one angry inch

240

u/TeamPupNsudzzz Oct 16 '21 Yas Queen

Hedwig is that you???

337

u/ponichols Oct 16 '21

When you go 6” fwd and 5” back

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346

u/bipolarnotsober Oct 16 '21

At least you're not a mentally unstable druggy

157

u/crackpot47 Oct 16 '21

Heyyy u didn't have to call me out like that

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2.4k

u/soloqueso Oct 16 '21 Helpful

Just cheese

524

u/wandering_cheese Oct 16 '21

It ain’t easy being cheesy

212

u/smackaroni-n-cheese Oct 16 '21

Cheese gang represent

88

u/mozziebro Oct 16 '21

Yes, We mozzst stick together.

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151

u/TJBBB Oct 16 '21

Underated username lmao

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4.9k

u/Few-Currency-8602 Oct 16 '21 Silver Helpful Hugz

Broke.

1.4k

u/thecashlessclay Oct 16 '21 Hugz

Same

1.1k

u/-100K Oct 16 '21

Broke as hell

630

u/CrammedMeat Oct 16 '21

Nah, man thats straight up debt

263

u/BiIIisits Oct 16 '21

think I know why you're single too

130

u/CrammedMeat Oct 16 '21

Nothing wrong with it either

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368

u/cashman5 Oct 16 '21

Money isn't everything

422

u/ThaSaxDerp Oct 16 '21 This

Easy to say when you're made of money man

149

u/cashman5 Oct 16 '21

still single though

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911

u/MeAndMeMonkey Oct 16 '21 Wholesome

Rather play w me monkey

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2.0k

u/SerendipitouslySane Oct 16 '21

Not crazy enough.

657

u/FREAK1125 Oct 16 '21

I have the other end of the spectrum. Not any better here.

425

u/SerendipitouslySane Oct 16 '21 Silver

Damn.

Wanna bang?

333

u/FREAK1125 Oct 16 '21

My place or yours?

95

u/IRageQuit06 Oct 16 '21

Well that escalated quickly

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6.6k

u/a_russian_physicist Oct 16 '21 edited Oct 16 '21 Helpful Wholesome Hugz

I'm not single I'm married to science

Edit: grammar

3.2k

u/IAmScience Oct 16 '21 Silver Helpful Hugz

…really? When did that happen…?

625

u/PhysicalStuff Oct 16 '21

I just whish y'all would stop arguing about me.

187

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '21

Wholesome thread

1.4k

u/a_russian_physicist Oct 16 '21 Helpful Wholesome Wholesome Seal of Approval Eureka!

When I was a kid I got introduced to her at school. She showed me how amazing is nature. And I craved more fruits of wisdom . I've got a chance to give her a new piece of knowledge. Maybe a small one but made by me.

1.1k

u/IAmScience Oct 16 '21

Heh, check my username mate.

614

u/WinterLightz Oct 16 '21

kinda proves that physicists can be very dense sometimes

(am one too so don't come at me)

140

u/kalakau Oct 16 '21

i pretty frequently explain things to my friends who are actually fucking with me because they know i do this lol, gets me every time

74

u/tjdux Oct 16 '21

If you ever feel they are doing that to you start putting in weird stuff with your explanation and just keep getting crazier as you ramble on.

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36

u/reallyserious Oct 16 '21

You sound really serious.

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69

u/nayncat123 Oct 16 '21

"That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured, she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right, Caroline?"

"She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science."

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258

u/David_The_Redditor Oct 16 '21

Reddit.

48

u/Lonely-Specialist767 Oct 16 '21

I specialize in creating personalities for redditors

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4.4k

u/they_were_all_taken Oct 16 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome Hugz Press F

Enough said.

413

u/Valenyn Oct 16 '21

“Where is she!”

166

u/HaveUSeenThisPerson Oct 16 '21

That’s what I’m trying to figure out

38

u/Intebinnes Oct 16 '21

This is gold haha

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9.2k

u/-I_dont_have_a_dick- Oct 16 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome Hugz Giggle

Oh

1.9k

u/sleeptheneatpizza Oct 16 '21

I mean, that's only so much of a problem.

645

u/HerbalTeaSimping Oct 16 '21 edited Oct 16 '21

Wait till he uses his toes to type out what happened to his tongue and hands.

212

u/Emergency-Fun-247365 Oct 16 '21

Whoa, nobody asked you to go there

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101

u/LeTigron Oct 16 '21

Yeah, I know many girls that don't have one and they're fine with their partners

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1.5k

u/Poem_for_your_sprog Oct 16 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome Hugz LOVE! Vibing I'd Like to Thank...

I don't have a penis,
I don't have a dick.
I crafted my own,
but it just wouldn't stick.
I fashioned a phallus
to keep for myself -
But now it just sits
in a box on the shelf.

Oh what I would do
for a winkle or wang!
A schlong of my own
to go out with a bang!
A gherkin for jerkin',
a pecker,
a prick.

Won't somebody,
somebody
get me a dick?

156

u/laziebones Oct 16 '21

Brilliant, as always

95

u/Roastar Oct 16 '21

For you sprog, sure

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143

u/No_Aioli_7553 Oct 16 '21

Me neither (F) but on top of that I don’t have aïoli

119

u/swapode Oct 16 '21 edited Oct 16 '21

"These euphemisms are really getting out of hand" he said as he dunked his breadstick in her aioli.

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21

u/fappyday Oct 16 '21

I could help you with aioli. You're on your own for the other part.

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18

u/Bobbycala Oct 16 '21

That s also the reason most of the girls aren t single

49

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '21

[deleted]

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1.1k

u/Lexiphanic Oct 16 '21 Wholesome

Using big words to make myself sound smart.

I mean, utilizing rotund verbiage so as to present a visage others identify as membership in the intelligentsia.

Wait. Where are you going?

786

u/surlycur Oct 16 '21 Silver Helpful Wholesome

To get a fuckin' dictionary!

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146

u/SilentJoe1986 Oct 16 '21

While using complex words can make you sound smart. Knowing when to use them is the difference between sounding smart, and sounding like a pretentious douche canoe

31

u/Vrashelia Oct 16 '21

Ahhh... One of my favorite things is the well placed usage of "douche canoe". Always gets an upvote

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3.6k

u/am_casual_potato Oct 16 '21 Silver Wholesome Hugz

Apparently nobody loves informal potatoes

528

u/lavaboy348 Oct 16 '21

I love potatoes.

328

u/Ginny_weasly_ Oct 16 '21

You may love the formal ones not casual ones, think about it.

110

u/darthvadercake Oct 16 '21

Yeah, that dude is so casual he probably doesn't even have his peel on still.

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35

u/Paradoxic_potato Oct 16 '21

We potatoes gotta stick together smh 😤

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202

u/__Only_me_ Oct 16 '21 Silver

“Only me” yeah

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610

u/human-person27 Oct 16 '21

I guess humans and people dont like me

262

u/Dragon_Cult Oct 16 '21

No I think that if you have to call yourself a human person then your not really human your either a lizard person or and alien

101

u/human-person27 Oct 16 '21

Huh. Never really thought of that but you make a valid point

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62

u/AhYesAHumanPerson Oct 16 '21

That’s definitely not what’s going on with me!

21

u/Normul_Humen Oct 16 '21

I think we’re blending in well enough

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2.0k

u/redditor1957 Oct 16 '21 Helpful Wholesome Hugz

I have no personality.

262

u/Modest_Lion Oct 16 '21

Relatable

102

u/DilliSeHoonBhenchod Oct 16 '21

What do you know lion? stop being so modest

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785

u/Asbestos-Icecrean Oct 16 '21

Nobody uses asbestos anymore.

262

u/ashiron31 Oct 16 '21

I have to ask, was the 'n' at the end intentional?

311

u/Asbestos-Icecrean Oct 16 '21 Hugz I'm Deceased

OOF. NOPE.

103

u/Mutagrawl Oct 16 '21

Did this post make you realise you made a typo lol?

139

u/Asbestos-Icecrean Oct 16 '21 Wholesome

Yup! First time reddit user here, and it was a late night last night

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1.3k

u/samanthahasbadbangs Oct 16 '21

Do people even care about bangs?

524

u/notalphabeticalfish Oct 16 '21 Wholesome

maybe you’re bad at banging too

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620

u/OneMoose9 Oct 16 '21

Fucking moose won't stop killing them.

247

u/Dragon_Cult Oct 16 '21

He’s looking out for you he will pick the right one soon don’t worry

115

u/OneMoose9 Oct 16 '21

This was oddly comforting.

39

u/fappyday Oct 16 '21

Moose knows what's up. Trust him; he fucks like....well, a moose.

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62

u/kratomstew Oct 16 '21

A Møøse once bit my sister …

13

u/IncontinentiaButtok Oct 16 '21

No really;she was karving her initials in the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush,given to her by her brother-in-law Sven.

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2.5k

u/404_GF_NotFound Oct 16 '21 Silver Wholesome Hugz Press F

Uuuhhhhh...

608

u/theguyfromeuropa Oct 16 '21

You were made for this thread.

102

u/Nathan256 Oct 16 '21

Literally. No other posts or comments.

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21

u/ilona0815 Oct 16 '21

Yay, I like the 404 naming pattern 😊 most recently for me 404 baby goats not found

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129

u/SociallyFucked19 Oct 16 '21

well this makes sense

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607

u/40angryrednecks Oct 16 '21 Silver

Well, not everybody likes gang bangs with rednecks.

323

u/MrWeirdoFace Oct 16 '21

What are you doing, step-necks?

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123

u/goawaaaaay Oct 16 '21 Wholesome

I dont like being around people.

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962

u/RyanTheKingOfNothing Oct 16 '21

I'm the king of nothing.

130

u/DGlen Oct 16 '21 Helpful

Where's your crown, king nothing?

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249

u/sleeptheneatpizza Oct 16 '21

But maybe someday you'll be the king of their heart!

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731

u/gayForGayFrogs Oct 16 '21

There are no other gay frogs

413

u/I-LOVE-FROG Oct 16 '21

I like you as a friend

160

u/HerbalTeaSimping Oct 16 '21

I like him as a frog.

92

u/kratomstew Oct 16 '21

I frog him like a friend.

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53

u/brndndly Oct 16 '21

Not since they stopped putting those damn chemicals in the water

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1.6k

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '21

I take things too seriously.

593

u/ForestSpiritSylwia Oct 16 '21 Hugz

You take things 3 SeriousLee*

125

u/dcoolidge Oct 16 '21

I think he's the third SeriousLee. Runs in the family.

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214

u/Mr-Stud-Muffin Oct 16 '21

Serious, lee?

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105

u/Slothygal Oct 16 '21

I’m a sloth

52

u/No-potatoes-5548 Oct 16 '21

Maybe they misunderstood the meaning of “sleeping with you”

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769

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '21

I dream about men instead of talking to them

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95

u/_Not_A_Crab_ Oct 16 '21

people are so picky

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231

u/spicypickless Oct 16 '21 edited Oct 17 '21

spicy pickles satisfy me more than y’all

Edit: these comment replies are all CRACKING ME UP

54

u/Creepy_OldMan Oct 16 '21

I would love to get my hands on a spicy pickle

53

u/McLagginz Oct 16 '21

Username checks out.

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64

u/DudeWhoLicksPeople Oct 16 '21

I'm insane

12

u/riemannStar Oct 16 '21

Well at least you don't sound dangerous

14

u/LickLickLickBite Oct 16 '21

It doesn’t start out dangerous, but then it escalates.

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308

u/InBootyWeTrust Oct 16 '21

I guess the faithful shall not be rewarded

50

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '21 edited Oct 19 '21

[deleted]

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61

u/Blorken8828 Oct 16 '21

You're* (This may also be the reason why I'm single)

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283

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '21

[deleted]

61

u/Dragon_Cult Oct 16 '21

Hey I think I am to

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577

u/PoopKnifeTwinkleCunt Oct 16 '21 Silver Wholesome Giggle

I don't know, seems like I did everything right.

132

u/hpesoj_4109 Oct 16 '21

I don’t know what the hell happened here…

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52

u/Gil37 Oct 16 '21

The world had been unfair to you

20

u/AnalCuntCumFuckClit Oct 16 '21

Ah yes, the superior form of usernames XD

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158

u/Normalizesteroidz Oct 16 '21

Too swole, he couldn't handle my gainz!

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55

u/MaximumZer0 Oct 16 '21

Number of people interested in me.

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56

u/mangocrazyy Oct 16 '21

I'm crazy only for mangoes.

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202

u/1357908642r Oct 16 '21

Aw shit... I typed my phone number wrong.. All the hot girls, that I"m sure are trying to chase after my dick, can't reach me.. silly me, at least I know the problem now.. Thanks Dragon Cult.

41

u/chottokawaii Oct 16 '21

Just make a new one. There’s no limit.

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42

u/JunkDrawerExistence Oct 16 '21 edited Oct 16 '21

Nobody can find what they're looking for

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172

u/immadensemofo Oct 16 '21

I don't even realise someone's flirting with me or asking me out

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108

u/AngryEagles Oct 16 '21

I'm still ugly as an eagle

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37

u/BedBugger6-9 Oct 16 '21

I’m not single so someone must like to be buggered in the bed

31

u/AnaliticalFeline Oct 16 '21

my cat over-analyzing any partner of mine she meets

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194

u/chottokawaii Oct 16 '21

ちょっとかわいい means “a little bit cute” so I guess I’m just not cute enough. 🥲

40

u/tias Oct 16 '21

ちょっとかわいい can also mean "just cute enough" or "amazingly cute" depending on context and intonation

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23

u/franticbookworm Oct 16 '21

I’m a bookworm

30

u/_ITookTheCookie_ Oct 16 '21

I stole my partner's cookie and they dumped me smh

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148

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '21

I have 14 black cats.

84

u/tearsonurcheek Oct 16 '21

If you're #14, you only have 13.

46

u/TheBatman_Yo Oct 16 '21

Don't you see the deeper meaning here? The real reason op gets rejected is because they can't count.

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16

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '21

I think you mean at least 13. Could be #14 out of 352.

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22

u/scrmjt Oct 16 '21

Moving too fast

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24

u/IAmScience Oct 16 '21

Evidence strongly suggests a lack of attractiveness. P<0.01.

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20

u/The_Perpetual_Liar Oct 16 '21

I am not single, I totally have a ton of sexy girlfriends

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20

u/gullible-guppy Oct 16 '21

Guppies, those sons of bitches

126

u/shitfuckstack999 Oct 16 '21

Kinda self explanatory...

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59

u/sleeptheneatpizza Oct 16 '21

I sleep, then eat pizza.

On repeat.

72

u/Hititwitharock Oct 16 '21

I read "sleep the neat pizza".

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18

u/HappyHrHero Oct 16 '21

Wife got tired of being with a drunk, careless hippy

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17

u/DisgustingGut Oct 16 '21

guess i have a disgusting gut..

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45

u/ShnowDays Oct 16 '21

Keep turning my dates into stone…

25

u/Dragon_Cult Oct 16 '21 edited Oct 16 '21

Medusa! Is that you?

15

u/Letmetellyowhat Oct 16 '21

I’m a know it all who never shuts up

15

u/_GrammarFuckingNazi_ Oct 16 '21

It's you're...

...

...sobs...